September 3, 2011
We gathered at the Cafe Deux Soleils on Commercial Drive
around 2 p.m. The place soon filled with
a huge crowd of friends and family, those who had been touched, in one way or
another, by Rob.
I didn’t know Rob personally or for a long time, but I knew
he was someone special from the moment I met him. He was just “one of the guys”, part of the
team from Brighter Mechanical that had re-piped our building last year. He was the one who delighted in going that
extra mile, always with his incredible smile.
He stayed after work to put up my new mirror for me, not part of his
job. He saw to it that the painter refinished
my bathroom wall behind the mirror, also not a Brighter job. He added a special box around my washer taps,
making my laundry room look better.
As he worked in my apartment, mostly on retiling the area above
my new tub, he talked to me about his family, about his mother, Betty, who was
short like me, and how I reminded him of her when I talked about my kids. He told me how he had been adopted as a young
child, a black boy plunged into a white family.
He was so personable and down to earth, filled with humour and good will
as he worked. He let me know that his
wife, Portia, had started a storefront business for and with abused women, WWWW,
selling second-hand household items to people in need. I donated my toaster, kettle and coffee maker,
and many others in the building made donations, too, once they heard about
Portia’s endeavour.
I learned today a lot more about Rob, his determination, his
work ethic, and his very strong desire to win at life. Today I saw him as father, husband, brother,
uncle, and friend. Both moving and
hilarious speeches filled out the bigger picture of this man – someone who
created laughter in every situation and at the same time taught all who knew him what
matters most in life. For him, it was
all about family.
His ten-year-old daughter spoke in loving terms of her dad
and his “man cave,” the apartment balcony, equipped with chair, fridge
and beer. This is where she joined him
when her mom wanted her to do homework or clean her room. She loved being with her
dad. She talked about him racing her
down the hall to her bedroom and flopping on her bed before she could get
there, and promptly falling asleep, taking up all the space. She told us a story about his letting her put
pink nail polish on his toenails, falling asleep, and not having the time or
the know-how to take it off before going to work the next morning. He rushed home that day, ripped off his
socks and shouted, “Get this stuff off of me!” She promised to do so if he promised to let
her polish his toenails again. Rob’s
sense of humour is alive and well in Tanner!
Friends spoke of the many adventures they had with Rob, like
hanging out at the Deux Soleils, swigging huge amounts of beer, Rob being the
only one to maintain his body’s six-pack!
One story was about capsizing a canoe; another about playing golf with
him. Memorable was the time he hit the
ball way off the golf course, smashing into the balcony of a building in the
distance. Each speaker said that Rob had the
gift of making him feel that he was their best friend.
Rob mentored his nephews, his friends’ kids, his kids’
friends, and all looked up to him. He
seemed to be everyone’s Uncle Rob. They spoke
of the love he showed each one of them and the gratitude they felt. More than one said Rob had taught him how to
be a better dad, a better person.
His older sisters said that they had spoiled him rotten as a child and knew that he had become their parents’ absolute favourite. No one begrudged him that position – they all recognized how special he was and they all adored him. Rob singlehandedly opened the minds and hearts of the people in the town where they all grew up. No one had ever laid eyes on a black person before, let alone one who was so outgoing and communicative. He charmed the town.
One woman spoke of his special talent when entering a room, making
every woman in the room immediately feel noticed and valued. He had a real
knack for this, being able to understand feelings and to sit for long periods of
time listening. She said
that all the husbands had a thing or two to learn from Rob! Rob himself credited this uncanny ability to
the “fact” that he actually WAS a woman!
His wife, Portia, spoke – I don’t know how she was able to
do this, as she was obviously wracked with grief. She poignantly told us his wishes for this
celebration and for his children’s future.
She addressed each of the children individually, London, then Tanner, stating
how much their father loved them and just how he would expect them to carry out
their lives. She said that as difficult
as his loss is to her, that she has gained much strength from her daughter,
Tanner, the ten-year-old, who had asked her mom two days after his death if she
could speak at the celebration and say the five things she liked best about him. This made Portia realize that her daughter
was facing the future already and that she had to do that, too. Rob had told her to make this day a
celebration and to do it in a way he would have liked had he been able to
attend. And what a celebration it
was!
I saw so much courage and inspiration today. But what struck me most vividly was the
openness of this family in grief. Everything
said came straight from the heart, not always in a composed manner. Voices choked and tears trickled. Some were sobbing as they spoke. But no one was alone. Several remained on the
podium, arms around the speaker, arms around each other, offering and receiving
encouragement and support, always allowing what needed to pour out to pour. This place was a haunt of Rob’s, a safe place
for him and for all who were present. Whatever
feelings arose were welcomed and accepted. Strength and vulnerability were in abundance. And
the air -- what permeated the air in that room today was a spirit of
overwhelming love. You could touch it;
and it definitely touched me. Without any
formal protocol, the deepest respects were paid to Rob today.
It was a privilege to have known Rob, even briefly, and an
honour to be there amongst his closest friends and loved ones. I am grateful to have learned from this
event the profound impact he had on all who knew him. He left a huge and rich legacy by just being
himself, full of fun, full of love, and full of generosity. Rest well, Rob. Rest in peace.
